


I Guess

by NobleNeon



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-24 12:54:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16175495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobleNeon/pseuds/NobleNeon
Summary: The farmer finds his husband sitting outside Charlie's coop and attempts to comfort and talk him through this sudden wave of depression.





	I Guess

**Author's Note:**

> https://mynoise.net/NoiseMachines/acousticPianoSoundscapeGenerator.php?c=0&l=5353404649000018425900&d=0  
> If you want the music/atmosphere I was listening to while writing this
> 
> WARNING: brief mention of alcoholism, relapse, and suicidal ideation. Also this is mostly me projecting myself onto Shane, so if you're uncomfortable with a touch of ooc-ness then maybe don't read.  
> Also, this isn't proof read or beta-d so there may be a few mistakes, so feel free to point them out. Feedback is appreciated.

When the farmer found him, he was just outside of his special coop for Charlie. Shane had a blank expression, eyes unfocused and cast towards the ground. Charlie lay nestled in the lap formed by Shane’s position cross-legged on the dirt, her eyes halfway closed as he rhythmically stroked her cerulean feathers. 

 

Sascha approached slowly, and lowered himself to the ground next to Shane. Instead of speaking, Sascha just sat still, and let Shane get accustomed to his presence. After a while, Shane’s brow furrowed ever so slightly in confusion, recognizing the lack of empty space by his side.

 

“Shane,” Sascha said in a quiet voice, “what have you eaten today?” Birds chirped around them, clearly enjoying the fresh spring air, a contrast to the confusion and numbness emanating from Shane.

 

After several moments of silence, Shane replied. “An apple and...” Sascha waited patiently for him to finish his thought. “and cold pizza, I think.” 

 

When Shane got like this he existed in a different plane where his thoughts came slow and his mind was almost empty. Speaking took more brain power than usual, and sometimes the frustration from the lack of ease regarding speech stopped him from speaking all together. Sascha knew to wait, he had learned to do so after several times of thinking and speaking for Shane, subsequently making the situation worse. 

 

Sascha was secretly glad Shane had already gotten a hold of Charlie before he had found him. Charlie made it easier for Sascha to connect to Shane as having a tactile focus was grounding. Her well behaved manor, persistent warmth, and cuddly size were perfect for the situation.

 

“Shane, do you want to talk.” A warm breeze floated by them as Sascha waited for a response.

 

“I guess.” Sascha stayed silent and drummed his fingers against his knee-cap.

 

Shane took a deep breath, the weight of it physically and emotionally pulling him downward, and his hand stilled on Charlie’s back. Only so much processing power was available, so he had to pause his previous task in order to accomodate for a new one.

 

“I wish, that I could feel joy and happiness as deeply as I experience... this.” His brows furrowed heavily, expression hardening into one of frustration. “I’ve been like this for most of my life, for a lot of what I remember. I don’t have a normal to compare myself to. I don’t know what my normal is.” 

 

Sascha could hear the slight panic in his husband’s voice, and noticed Shane’s fingers curling slightly into a claw shape. He looked up at Shane’s face, noticing that his eyes were still downcast, but the focus was returning. “Your normal, is a life with depression, Shane.” 

 

Confusion warped its way onto Shane’s face. “It is?” As Shane said this he turned his head towards Sascha, eyes floating upwards to his lips, but avoiding eye-contact. “I don’t... I don’t like that.”

 

Sascha swallowed, empathy overflowing in his heart. Numb Shane was something he had a hard time handling. He could handle the outspoken self-deprecating remarks, the slip ups in his attempt to be clean. He could handle him even when Shane’s ideation turned towards a permanent method of ending his pain, though it broke Sascha’s heart most to see him like this. He needed to get him out of the emptiness he was feeling.

 

“You don’t deserve to feel like this, and we’re going to get you the help you need.”

 

“Okay.” Shane’s answer came out flat, and his head turned to stare back down at Charlie.

 

“And don’t you say that you’re using resources others need more than you. You deserve those resources.” As Sascha said this he noticed the dimming of the sky. “A cloud”, he thought. Clouds mean rain. Sascha decided to jump into the conversation even further.

 

“I just... don’t... there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve never been traumatized, I’ve never been assulted. I’m just like this.” Shane mad a soft noise of distress.

 

“Emotional trauma is still trauma.”

 

Shane spoke quicker this time, “But I love her, she loves me...” but faded off to heavy breathing.

 

“Someone can still hurt you even when they love you Especially parents.” Sascha scooted closer to Shane, and placed his hand palm down on Shane’s thigh. 

 

This time Shane didn’t reply. Instead he just stared down at Charlie’s feathers with a face twisted in frustration and confusion. Tears welled up in his eyes, his lips were slightly pursed, and Sascha could tell that his comment had brought up something that he couldn’t help Shane process.

 

“I really think you need an individual therapist. Groups can be good, but you just have so much deep down inside of you, so much personal trauma. You need one-on-one sessions. And we’re going to get the help you need, primarily, a therapist.” Sascha gently shifted his hand on top of Shane’s hand which was stilled stilled on Charlie, bringing Shane’s attention back to the dozing bird. 

 

“Okay.” Shane looked up as he said his reply, finally making eye contact with Sascha. “Can we... stay here a bit longer?”

 

“Yeah.” Sascha mentally sighed in relief. Shane seemed to be able to think a tad more clearly. This was a good sign and predictor for Shane’s behavior the next day.

 

The two sat side-by-side in front of Shane’s coop, Sascha took hold of Shane’s hand instead of letting it rest on top of the nearly asleep Charlie, and held it with a firm grip. Shane let out another sigh, this one still heavy, but it weighed lighter on his shoulders than the last one. They looked to the treeline of the farm as the sun set behind the leaves, the once golden hues coloring the sky had turned purple and set a tranquility into the spring air that rested over the farm. 

 

Shane still felt empty and confused, but Charlie and Sascha made him certain he’d last until at least tomorrow. Until then, he held the hand of his lover and attempted to let the sadness in his soul bleed out into the world, trying to open up room for the calm of the spring night and the love of his husband and cherished pet to fill the space inside his soul.


End file.
